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"update" [29 Aug 2004|02:10am] i love bobby. 17+

dooh. [14 Feb 2004|01:49pm] [ music | the red chord - nihilist ] eff this v-day shit, brah. 19+

crystal womb. [13 Feb 2004|09:00pm] [ music | the vogue - brass and satin ] why the hell am i listening to all of this indie music all of a sudden? well, not what i'm listening to right now, but yeah. i'm glad it's friday and i'm glad i don't have school for the next five days. i almost started crying today in science. i guess that means i'm depressed. i just started feeling really sad and i didn't care. i stopped myself though and decided to start my test. the walk home was nice. it was cool and the entire sky was one giant cloud. we stopped at adams and layed around in his room. we watched some of the shows off the converge "long road home" dvd, nice, and then left. so, it was: adam, marc, and cody mayfield over at my house and in my room watching bowling for columbine. i enjoyed it, but my dad told me not to swallow everything because a lot of things in that movie were staged or something. whatever though, it was still good. i'm fucking bored and all i've got now is this cough and a stuffy nose. i don't feel sick anymore. everyone's at del taco right now. right down the fucking street and i can't go out. agghh, i hate this. in other news, i don't know what to make kristen for valentines day. i don't have a clue. i don't know where to start. i got this ninja turtle's postcard she sent me in the mail today. it's really cute. i am very tired and my parents haven't said anything to me yet about the things they found in my backpack the other day. i saw my dad playing with one of the things... so, i don't know. i think i'm going to lay low for a little while just because of my parents, but not because i think it'll help me. i don't want to stop and i don't feel that i need to. the only thing i need to change is my mindset and attitude. i'm always fucking down and pessimistic about things and it's really getting to me. i have to make things alright. i have to look at things as if they're okay and see things through different and positive perspectives. i hope i make it out okay. 8+

i am going to try and keep this. [12 Feb 2004|11:08pm] [ music | death cab for cutie - bend to squares ] EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER FROM NOW ON. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER STARTING RIGHT NOW. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER. EVERTHNG WILL BE BETTER WEVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER FROM NOW OIN EVERYTHING IS GOING TO EBF CUKING BETTER FROM NOW EON EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE EVEBETTER EVERYTHING EVERYTHINGWILLBEBETTER IAMGOINGTOMAKE EVERTYTHING BETTER EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER FROM NOW EON EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER FROM NOW ONE VEEVERTYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT EVBERYTHING EVERYTTHING I AM GOING TO MAKE IT OKAY EVERYTRHING IS GOING TO BE BETTER FROM NOW ON. I FUCKING SWEAR. I SWEAR i swear. 2+

i do not want to stop. [12 Feb 2004|09:00pm] [ music | pretty girls make graves - all medicated geniuses ] i'm getting sick and i think it's just lovely. ugh, i don't mind being sick...it's just the feeling of being all retarded that drives me crazy. i didn't really want to go to school today, but i'm glad i got it over with. it was just one day that i didn't really want to be awake for. my mom took me to my earth science 2nd sem. orientation after school at silverado. i saw wayne in the parking lot. i saw ogor and that kyle simmons kid waved at me. i have this one girl in my class that was in my last on-line class. she's pretty in that unconventional and "long french braids" way and she's impatient. she's really nice though. she doesn't wear glasses anymore, that's why i wasn't sure if it was her or not. after a lot of staring she just flat-out asked me if i was in her class last year and she kept asking me questions about the forms. she was at laguna for summer school too. when we were leaving, she waved and i waved back. i don't know...that made my day a little better. i've decided that i'm going to try and lay off things for a while. i think that'd be good. i don't feel well and i'm not talking about me being ill. i don't really have any homework although i brought some drafting stuff home to catch up on because my binder was stolen a while ago...so, yeah, i'm playing that game. i hope tomorrow's a good day. i'd really like that. i hope this weekend doesn't suck but i've got a feeling that it will. i'm almost sixteen. alright. i think there were other things that i wanted to write about, but i'm not going to write about them because i forgot. ps. rachel got me a sheriff's badge that has my name on it. it's the best thing ever and when you look into it your face get's all distorted. lovely. +

[11 Feb 2004|10:17pm] [ music | hot cross - frozen by tragedy ] fuck if i know. +

cooking shit. [10 Feb 2004|11:42pm] i am fucking stupid. also, i am not doing so well inside. i feel like i'm decaying and i'm starting to break down. i should try and fix things, but i don't know how or where to start. i'm really lonely. my friend bobby fainted in class today. he has some sort of heart problem. i hope he's alright. i like that kid a lot, but i don't show it. he's too nice. he's one of those kids that has shitty problems and doesn't deserve them because he's too good of a person. that makes me sad. that makes me want to give up and turn it all in. i miss talking to kristen u.. i feel really lame when i'm around her. i don't think she likes me. i think that's my fault, but i don't know why. i hope i get that phonecall. this is stupid. this has been the worst year. *happy birthday, michelle. i miss you and i love you. i hope you're having a good one. i'm sorry i'm grounded and that i won't be able to go midnight bowling with you. i suck. you can beat me up or something the next time we see each other. 4+

we used to listen to each other...and that's why we got along. you don't listen anymore...and you can finish the rest. [09 Feb 2004|09:12pm] and now i am by myself. and i can taste what he used to. i bite my tongue because i am jealous. i am tired. i wish he hadn't smashed that thing. i really liked it and that's a sad thing to say. i don't want to stop doing these things. i don't really think i should either. i don't really care anyhow. i haven't been feeling much but i don't think i'm doing so well. you don't pay attention. i feel neglected. you're different now and i feel like a burden. i'm failing school. i had three f's last semester. i already have another year of high school added and that's not counting summer school, online classes, or night school. i hate that i did this to myself and i hate that i cannot seem to understand these subjects. school just isn't for me and i just can't seem to make it. i'm fucking trying. i don't want any help. i can't ask for any either. after all, this is my problem. i'm really enjoying re-reading the perks of being a wallflower. i want to make a list of all the books that the main character has read/is reading and then i would like to read them. i see some similarities between him and myself, but i guess everyone that's ever read that book does too. i guess it's just one of those books. like catcher in the rye. i want to spend valentines day with kristen, but my mom said no. i feel bad because i was grounded last valentines day as well and i wasn't able to spend it with her. i've never had a real valentine and i want her to be my first. and by-the-way, i know you're all looking out for me and whatnot, but i still like her and i can take in all your opinions and whatnot but they aren't going to change the way i feel about her. so when you get pissed off: keep it to yourself and get over it. the relationship between her and i have nothing to do with you. i am glad that you care though, but you have a terrible way of showing it. i keep trying to mold myself into this better person and it isn't working. i'm also trying to be more like who i used to be and that isn't working out so well either. i've been thinking and i found out that i am not really myself. i have absorbed a little bit of everyone i know, all their idiosyncrasies and what have you and i display them every day through everything that i do. i guess i've always done this. there's nothing special about me.. i'm not even myself. this is too hard. i'm confused and i'm rambling. i've wanted to be alone lately. i've never ever wanted to be alone because i've always been scared to be. i think i just need to be by myself. maybe being grounded might be a good thing? i sort of doubt it though because i can't think too well while i'm in my house. fuck. some advice: you don't fucking own everything. i got a new screenname, again. 3+

we are the ugliest things. [07 Feb 2004|01:06pm] so, word is i'm grounded.. says my parents. i guess they're waiting for me to finish eating and then they're gonna lay down the consequences. school blows, my grades suck, three f's and a d i do believe. they said last night was my last night to go out and that they're going to take away my computer. christ. they can have it all as long as i can still go out. i have been working more, but fuck. last night was most enjoyable. i thought it'd blow but it turned out very well. i went to the spectrum with kristen, chelsea, and sonya. i saw a lot of kids from school and others that i don't know. adam and chris showed up later and i really liked that. everything got a lot better towards the end. but it's all just lame because i wanted to rush through the week and enjoy my weekend and now i can't. my own fault. later that evening rachel, jessica, alyce, and jami came to visit me! they sat in jessica's car in front of my house and talked to me on my phone. they kept coming to the wall in the courtyard and throwing things at my window. that made me happy. my dad came out of his room and got all pissy and i had to tell them to leave. bummer. i had a dream about buying my parents vinyl. i'd leave a jazz record on my dad's desk for him. i'd leave a dean martin one on the counter downstairs for my mom. oh yeah, i'd make a mix cd for my sister and hand it to her. i really like my sister. i can't wait until we're both older and i have a car because i'd really like to drive her places and hang out with her. i want to take her to shows and have her hang out with some of my friends and i want to show her neat things and i want to be her best friend. i attended my first saturday school this morning. wow. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but it wasn't good either. the first half blew because i had no food in me so i kept falling asleep. during the break i talked to cody about his night and blah blah and then i hung out with taylor and xavier. i gave my change to zach from english/science. the second half was much better and went by much faster because i started reading "the perks of being a wallflower" again. i really like that book. i know everyone does, but whatevers. the walk home was chilly and sunny. i loved it. i walked on over to the spot with the bench on my way home. it was so peaceful. i understand what adam was experiencing when he went there the other day. i laid on the bench and watched and listened to it all. i was going to listen to "here in my room" by incubus but i decided that the day was too nice and i wanted to take it all in. i walked home after about twenty minutes and here i am. i felt exactly like my old self and i felt so happy. i haven't felt that good in a long time. i did what i used to. i was quiet, i observed, i smiled all the time, and i don't know. i was just being me. my mom shoved food in my face because she was worried about me being hungry and my dad picked up my door from lowes. it's nice and it's white and it has six panels and i like it a lot. it's solid so it won't get all beat up. there was a big hole in my other one from a bad night a long time ago. i'm going to go finish eating. take care, everyone. ps. someone's gotta help me steal two kittens from the pet store at the spectrum! they are the cutest creatures i have ever seen in my entire life. i already named them and i don't want them to be with anyone else but me. bye! 9+

grounded. [06 Feb 2004|11:12pm] bye everyone. 5+

goodbye, bloodsuckers! [03 Feb 2004|08:40pm] someone should design a program to steal aim screennames for me because i don't know how and i really want this one sn. so.. yeah. help a brotha' out. anyhow, it's been raining. that's pretty fucking cool. i miss kristen and i haven't spoken to her in days. i'm lonely and tired. i've been eating too much lately. i want the weekend to come. school blows. they won't let me change my classes. i have nothing to update about. i'm leaving now. 4+

[02 Feb 2004|08:45pm] so, right now.. i'm really tired. i've been really tired lately and i don't know why. i haven't been sleeping too little or too much. i don't know, whatever. anyhow, my weekend was fun and i'm glad i hung out with the people that i did because i like them all a whole lot. i'm sort of over things right now. things like missing the converge shows and such. i don't really care. there are other things that i know i care about, but lately i haven't had them on my mind.. which is strange. vdfsgdfgdfsg. blah, blah, blah. i'm kind of tired of posting. crap. i never have anything to post about. that's so lame. 3+

[29 Jan 2004|11:10pm] well, well, well... what to do? i haven't a clue. heh. my movies came the other day and i've watched all of them over and over and they're making me very happy. marc came over yesterday after that whole deal and we both fell asleep in my bed watching stand by me. i saw him after school today too and we watched the dangerous lives of altar boys and we fell asleep again on my floor. i woke up before him and let him sleep while i did my homework. after about 6pm he went on his way to go hang out with his friend stephanie. i miss marc a lot and i'm glad i've been able to hang out with him even if we were sleeping for most of the time. i'm lonely as fuck. i'm way sad that she's getting over me and i feel that it's my fault. well, some of it. i don't know. i feel that that is just going to make things worse.. for me anyhow. oh well, as long as she's happy, right? i've got to take my mind off of her for a while. i want to talk to her because i hardly do now and i miss her but she thinks i'm stupid. everyone's telling me that i should get over her and not do anything with her anymore. i don't know. i suppose she's got a boy now.. i bet if she does it's that mike kid. fucking whatever. i'm getting tired and my room's coming together. it looks cozy and my new rug is really comfortable which is strange because it's sort of rough. yeah, yeah, yeah. well, i'm very tired and i think i'm going to go sew and then shower or vice versa. i don't know. i hope tomorrow turns out well. i want to have fun. i don't want to dwell on her and other things that are going to bum me out even more. heh. i have to remember to buy a drafting set at school tomorrow. night. 1+

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